I did not expect today to feel this heavy.
H*** told me that Dr. H giave her my completed proposal. My study is not even finished yet. The document is part of my ongoing research, my unpublished work, my intellectual effort, and somehow it was passed to other students without my knowledge or permission. I feel very uncomfortable about it. It is not only about embarrassment. It is about trust. A proposal is not a public document. It contains my research design, framework, instruments, and ideas that I am still developing. I never consented for anyone else to read it. I cannot understand why an examiner would share a student’s work like that.
Now I am not just sad; I feel unsettled. I keep questioning whether this is normal practice or whether a boundary has been crossed. If this can be circulated so casually, what protection do students actually have over their own research?
I do not even know how to react properly. I am afraid to confront it, yet at the same time I cannot ignore how wrong it feels to me. Hearing that he apparently had not read my proposal, yet still gave major revisions, hurt the most. I felt stunned. I could not even react immediately.
I keep thinking about all the nights I stayed up, the weekends I did not rest, and the constant cycle of writing, revising, checking citations, and restructuring arguments. I lived inside that proposal for months. Every paragraph carried my effort. But hearing the outcome makes it feel like all of it was dismissed so easily. The work I poured myself into suddenly feels small and almost meaningless.
What hurt me even more was my supervisor’s reaction. He was the one who chose this examiner. When I asked why I received major corrections, he did not really explain anything.
Then he said that if I think the decision is unfair, he can call for a re-proposal defence. That sentence did not sound like an option, it sounded like a warning. The idea of going through the entire defence process again is exhausting. I honestly do not have the strength to repeat everything. So much time, preparation, and emotional energy already went into the first one.
I am not angry. I think I am just deeply discouraged. I am trying to understand whether my work is truly weak, or whether this is simply part of the academic process that no one prepares you for. Right now, it feels like I have been running for a very long time, and suddenly someone moved the finish line further away.
I can accept criticism. I can rewrite. I can work harder. What I struggle to accept is not knowing where I stand.
